Bridesmaid.

Fig. A: The wonders of professional hair and makeup

A couple weeks ago I was a bridesmaid for the first time in my life in a good friend's wedding. 

With much gusto the weeks preceding, and with exponentially escalating vengeance thereafter, every single person (friend, foe, or stranger) that even barely happened upon the fact of my bridesmaid-hood would NOT stop heckling me to “DON’T BEND YOUR KNEES!” during the ceremony.

Fig. B: Default standing position, knees locked

According to their hearsay, apparently a lot of bridesmaids faint during the ceremony and if they have their knees locked, they end up falling over on their face like a chopped log and creating an unseemly domino effect of falling bridesmaids

Fig. C: How not to faint during a wedding

instead of crumpling “gracefully” onto the ground like a fainted maiden should. These admonitions were then inevitably followed by harrowing horror stories of "a friend of a friend" or "cousin of my sister's coworker" who actually had a bridesmaid faint in their wedding, underwear peepshow and all. 

Stirred deeply by these true stories of fallen bridesmaids of yore, I vowed in my heart that I would not be the next one to make it into their “friend of a friend” story compilation… But could not for the life of me figure out how to stand with knees bent without looking...

like I had just peed myself.

Fig. E: The face of awkward penguin

Even now I’m not exactly sure I had it quite figured out -- Hopefully nobody was paying attention to that awkward bridesmaid on the far left -- But I’m happy to report that not a one in our bridal party fainted and we all made it out of the chapel on our own two feet instead of being unceremoniously dragged out by the arms. 

Fig. F: Probably without a doubt my worst nightmare

CRISIS AVERTED!