Coyote Ugly.

No sooner had the double doors swung shut behind me after prancing out of the office last Friday, I found myself not ten feet away from a COYOTE in the office parking lot. It was all scraggly and scruffy like a homeless person but terrifying nonetheless.


The coyote didn’t see me, but continued into the shrubbery toward my car. At that point I had no way to locate it anymore. The distance between the office doors and my car never seemed so hopelessly far with the threat of a potentially rabid and starving coyote just waiting to pounce out from between any number of the other cars to make a feast out of me.

Still holding my breath, I walked backwards back into the building and ran a quick self-assessment.


My biggest concern was that the coyote looked hungry, and that all my leg flesh in all its tender juicy glory was exposed in the stupidly short dress I had chosen to wear that day. I briefly considered having one of the boys walk me to my car, but the boys being the short, sickly, and incredibly exercise deprived and chain-smoking middle aged boys that they are, looked to have a far less chance of surviving a coyote attack than I did. Deciding in the end that my purse was better defense than them anyway, I gingerly headed back out the doors and toward my car.


And proceeded to walk the longest walk of my life, the headlines already running through my head in comic fashion: “Woman Mauled By Coyote In Office Parking Lot, Dress Was Too Short”.

Once safely in my metal box with wheels by which I could fearlessly take any coyote head-on, I realized how little I actually knew about coyotes. Deciding that I should be armed with the know in case it happened again, I did a little Google sleuthing and came across the Arapahoe County Government website's coyote section:

What to do if you see a coyote:
1. NEVER feed or throw food at coyotes.
2. Do NOT turn your back on it, ignore it or run away.
3. NEVER try to pet or touch it.
4. NEVER move towards it, or corner it where it can't run away.
5. YELL and make a lot of noise while slowly moving towards other people.
6. Make eye contact and make your self look bigger-raise your arms high, hold up your jacket or backpack.
7. If a coyote moves towards you, throw sticks or rocks towards it, KEEP YELLING.

If a coyote get's too close to you:
1. Keep yelling.
2. Punch it.
3. Hit it with your backpack.

I kid you not, official (county) government says you should punch a coyote with your bare hands before hitting it with your backpack!!

(Serious face) And now we know.