ICL 2.

So exactly two weeks ago I underwent ICL surgery and this is the 100% historically accurate account of what transpired after the surgery was successfully completed and I was gently roused from my sedation by the deep silky voice of my hot single doctor-friend:

Cue dramatic swells of operatic background music as hot single doctor-friend and Susan embrace in unmitigated joy.

JUST KIDDING BET YOU THOUGHT IT WAS REAL AND ALSO GUESS WHAT SANTA IS NOT REAL EITHER.

In real life my doctor was not hot or single or my friend. Also my hair is nowhere near as voluminous. Also my eyes are not that big. Also I look nothing like that.

So starting over: Having made a ton of hoopla about the anesthesia, it actually turned out to be more than a bit anticlimactic because they didn’t give me enough to cause the delightful hallucinatory effect I had been buzzing about (J was right all along). In fact, the sedation was SO slight that I woke up in the surgery room before the procedure was even over (actual surgery only takes about 15 minutes per eye).

And the timing could not have been worse - I gained consciousness right the moment before they started MERCILESSLY RIPPING ALL THE TAPE OFF MY FACE.

I’m not exactly sure how much they had on there (I’m assuming it was there to keep my eyes open and the oxygen tube thingy in place) but it felt like an awful lot and was easily the most painful part of the entire procedure.

Then they wheeled my bed back into a waiting room, hooked me up to all sorts of beeping things, and had me lie there dying of thirst for 30 minutes

So sexy. 

 before the nurses pronounced me stabilized and offered me some apple juice and a nutrigrain bar that tasted not unlike a heaping mouthful of sand.

My pupils proceeded to stay dilated for the entire rest of the day (spent it in bed), so I couldn’t see much, but the very next morning I could see amazingly :)

Bye forever my coke bottle glasses.